Confidence and Self Esteem

      This week I drove by a church's sign and it read "When faults are thick love is thin". This got me thinking of how I view myself and how it effects the way I feel about myself. It made me realize that when I dwell or concentrate on my faults it is when I get down. I can even beat myself up over it. It is in those down times when I seem to give into the emotional eating. It has made me really reflect on how I view myself. I seem to look at the negative things more then the good things most of the time. Just as in my weight loss and other things in my life I tend to see how I see more of my faults like they are that big bold black line and the good are thin skinny lines. The way I see my self directly effects my confidence. The days my fault lines are thinner are the days my confidence is higher and I happy about myself.  All this also effects my work at the gym. On days my confidence is up and my self esteem is good are days I truck into the gym and bust my but. On days I see those thick lines are days I find my self looking into the mirrors being hard on myself. Even  though I know I have lost close to 80 pounds I cant see it behind those lines. So for the next couple of weeks this is something I am going to try to get balanced. In a 12 step processes they say you should keep things balanced when working the fourth step. I am going to try to apply that more on a daily basis when looking at my self and my feelings about me. I am wondering if this is even possible to keep it balanced daily but I am going to try to do it. I know I really need this especially with my back sore like it is. I also want to wish everyone who reads this a happy Halloween.

Keeping it fresh!

  Well the tittle of this blog could go in a couple directions. I was thinking of what I do daily at the gym. But it also brings up organic and fresh foods. I am going to write about both things, my work outs and food. It is easy for things to get stail.
  
   For my work outs I tend to change it more often then what I eat. I make minor changes as far as my sets and amount of weight. I use a website called clickfit.com  You can use this for many different things when it comes to your work outs. You can track work outs or look up recipes. It has several other help full tools, even a weight loss tracker. This tool can help you keep things fresh at the gym.

   For the the food I have been eating I have been slowly going organic. Well as much as I can afford. Their are advantages of eating things organic or fresh. Farmers markets are great for produce. It seems to me that organic and fresh food are usually lower in sodium and seem to just taste better. If you look at a nutrition label like I use to you never get past the fat. I thought it was the only important thing to look at. But I spend more time reading the entire label before I purchase food now. I encourage everyone to pay attention to these things more closely.

working hard

  Well Working hard is starting to pay off, I have been having muscle spasms the last 4 or 5 days. I have been pushing threw it like my Doctor told me to and it is paying off. Hopefully in the next couple days I can be back to a full work out again and not to much damage. I just need to keep in mind what I eat and how that will effect me. How have you dealt with any minor set backs in the last two weeks.

Holidays are just around the corner.

  I just wanted to talk about preparing for the holidays. For me it was always one of the most important times as a family. My family has always centered the holidays around a meal. Which if I looked back on my life it was the center of my family when I was a child. The holidays was focus on a large huge meal where everyone was more focused on that meal. It was the only time we got together was to eat, Or it at least seems that way now. I can even remember that agreeing on a time would start a fight in the family. Every night was centered around a huge meal. Sundays was the same way. The meals where not that of a healthy meal. Usually filled with fried or high fat foods. Starches seemed to be a favorite. I can now see why both my parents have both become diabetic. I know I have to change this outlook on the holidays. So I am looking at what choices I can make and what I can plan ahead for. Family gatherings is a time I can let emotions dictate how much and what I eat. So I want to plan some healthy choices to have during the holidays. I would love to hear ideas of what others do to prepare foe the holidays so they don't over eat.

Over Coming Obstcales

  Well I have gone and strained my back some how. It is the first obstacle I have hit for awhile. I have been pushing myself hard lately. It doesn't surprise me that I would hit a stretch where I have some pains. I still have been able to work out though, which is a good thing. It has surprised me especially with the back problems I have. It is nice to see that some of the hard work has payed off.  Before an injury to my back has left me in bed for six months back in 2008 after suffering a bad fall in November 2007. I went with my hip and back out of place for almost 10 months.  That time span has left my back week. Seeing that all the hard work has helped me and losing the weight has helped allot. It takes less time to trip over a mountain then climb over it. I know I have many things to over come still. I would like to hear what obstacles you have over came.

Weigh IN

  I started in January at 497 pounds today I stepped on the scale and weighed in at 418. that is a total weight loss of 79 pounds.  I would like to here everyone else's accomplishments.

Is the Pain worth it?

  I say yes it is. Weather it is physical or mental it is all worth it. Your health is something everyone needs. If we continuously make the correct choices we end up shorting that life. We are fortunate that god gave us free will to make the choices we need to. It is one of the hardest things I have done. But the pain pays off in the end. I have had days where I about cry from not being able to eat as much as I want or what I want. It is those foxhole prayers that have kept me moving in the right direction. If I can do it so can you.

Training for the 5k

   Well tonight I started walking outside. I did 2.7 miles which is getting close to the 3.4 I will be doing next week. It was a tuff walk but well worth it. Just ready for this weekend to come because it will be the first time I will walk over the 5K mark.

5k run on Nov 6th

  Here is the link to the site with info on the 5K run I am working on doing on November 6th. http://www.cfserve.org/More%20Run%20Info.htm

What my week is like.

    Just to share what I have been up to as far as getting the weight off. I work out 6 days a week, unless something comes up.  My day starts at 4:30 during the week. since I am working on doing a 5k run/walk I start with 1 1/2 miles on the treadmill. What ever time I have left I get in a few reps depending on what day it is and how my lifting cycle falls determines what I do that day. I do an A,B,C rotation. If I end Saturday on chest. I start Monday on shoulders and arms. Then I do all my cardio on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. Then I take Sundays off.  I workout two times a day Monday threw Friday and all at once on Saturdays.  This is a basic look at what I do.

Hurts, Habits, and Hang Ups

      Being honest with my self has helped me see a lot of my hurts, habits, and hang up I have gotten in my life. I have been able to over come and shed a few. Some I continue to struggle with on a daily basis. Some I have just given over to god for him to take care of.  other I have not even tried to deal with. Some people think it is just a process you go threw to loss weight. I have seen it is a life change. Which I believe that most thing in your life is a constant change. Working threw your problems in life is like an onion, layers of issues. As you peal away one layer you find another hurt or a habit. I have found dealing with things has changed my life. It hasn't been this poof and I was a changed man. For over a year I have constantly worked talking with others who have same hurts habits and hang ups. This has allowed me a sense of companionship when it comes to dealing with problems. It seems like every time I  need a good kick in the but god does just that. Dealing with things in a  timely manner can also keep your life cleaner and less insane.  So I say deal with those hurts, habits, and hang ups.

Honesty!!!!

     Well I think honesty is a very important if your going to be successful at losing weight and just in life in general. When your honest with yourself and others it tends to depend things. Well it has for me at least. Getting honest with my self.  It has allowed me to dig into some life issues that has helped me not only shed pounds. It has helped me shed emotional issues along with some of my addictive behavior. I use to think I was a very honest person. Since I have been working in a 12 step program I think it might have been the thing I was in the most denial about. It has been a large struggle to come out and admit I am not always honest, especially when it comes to myself. I have used this to protect my heart. I used it to tell myself I was in control of everything and I didn't have any problems. This was especially true for my weight and even more with the way I eat. Eating when I am depressed, upset, and as a comfort to protect me from life. It is a hard thing for me to be honest with others. Especially when I know it may hurt someone. But I know now that it is important anymore so necessary for the outside perspective. Having those people in your life who can step up and fill that spot for you and spur you along. This encouragement will help you grow. So when people tell you the things that are hard to hear remember it may be as hard for them to say it as it is for you to hear.

A challenge from my son! You can do a 5k Run!!!

  Well tonight when we got done with his counseling season, Eli picked up a flier for a 5K /1 mile walk.  He asked me if we could do the the 5K run. I laughed and said it is far. Before I know it my wife is challenging me to do it. Anne said she had read my goals and said what a great place to accomplish one of them at. So on the 40 minute drive home we talked back and forth about it. So setting tonight reading my email I decided I am going to do it. I am looking for some friends to come out and support me in this task. I don't know that I will run the entire thing but I am sure willing to go try. It also benefits Christian Family Services which is a great place to help out. So over the next few weeks I will need the support and encouragement to accomplish the task.

So Exhausting

      So exhausting is the tittle of this blog. You may have thought this is going to talk all about how I push myself at the gym. But I am going to simply start with the mental part of what I have dealt with. It seems like  when I struggle the most with what to eat seams to follow my mental exhausting. I never thought I would face challenges where I just can't push myself mentally to keep going. I tend to find myself giving in. With this I tend to regret my choices afterwards. It is making the tough hard choices to do the right thing that usually drains that mental energy. Its just not only eating right but finding time to spend with the family. I can find it exhausting mentally. Just like those unexpected things life troughs at you. You take them on, well I don't know about others but it I find it taxing. So I was wondering if any one else finds this happening to them and how you deal with it.

A Question from my Cuz. I felt I had to post it to my blog.

Hey congrats on your weight loss! Way to go. What or who inspired you to lose and where do you work out? Right now you are a big inspiration of mine !! Keep up the good work!!!

 

   My Reply

Well a lot of my inspiration came from when I decided to clean up my life last year when Anne and I where having relationship problems and she moved out for over 3 months. I spent a lot of time getting mentoring from a long time friend of Anne's Tome Wade. Who is a leader of a church in Wenztville Mo in which he helped start. I had a frank conversation with the ministor of the Crossings Church where Tom is a member. I remember Robert looking into my eyes and telling me if I continue to keep making the choices I have been in my life he personally could guarantee that the way I was living I would die. Till this day I believe that and even more I believe I would of destroyed my children's lives. In working with godly men I found a way out of the life I was living. I studied the bible over 5 months with Tom. I join the Celebrate Recovery program at First Christian Church in Washington Mo. The program their has given great tools to look into my life and deal with a lot of things I never dealt with. I see my family and gods will for me to be the best husband and father I can. and that's where most of my inspiration comes from. As you now my dad and mom don't have a good health history along with Stella and Janet having their issues. I also have a good bud from work who plays semi pro football along with the owner of the gym and the other trainer at the gym where i go. I get encouragement from him and Even who owns The Competitive Edge where I work out. It is the cheapest place around their is no joining fee or contracts and is open 24/7 at a secure location off Clear View Rd. It cost me 50 dollars for the family. If you want let me know and you can come work out with me.

Eight weeks goal

  Hers is my 8 week goals I am hoping to achieve before Thanksgiving.

  1 Weight loss                   26lbs
  2 Weight lifting                10% weight increase
  3 Cardio Training            5k per day or 3-4 miles
 

 These are 3 goals I am setting for myself. It may seem kinda high but it is something I am willing to push myself towards as hard as I can.

Expecting the unexpected

  This is something we all face at times, I know I do. I try to plan things out a do or so a head of time. But I never know what might be thrown my way. Just this week for example I had a sick little one at home and had to take her to the doctor. These kind of thing often through a monkey wrench in our plans. This can go for the gym or anything we may have planned. Being prepared for some deviation along the way is a good plan. Weather it is hitting the weights just a little harder,reading your bible a little more, or getting in that extra prayer for the day. This little extra effort will payoff in the long run. I know it does for me. When missing a day at the gym I try harder the next time I'm their. Anytime I can spend extra time building a relationship with god it definitely pays off for me. So expect the unexpected you don't know what may come your way.

Quick, Easy, & Convenient

     Quick, Easy, & Convenient  Three words I like to hear when I have had a rough or long day. Especially when it comes to what I eat. In the evenings is when I seem to fall into this pattern. When I say those things I am rarely thinking about what is a healthy choice for me. It is ussually out of lazyness I make the choice of easy quick and comvenient. If I use these guide lines to choose my meal I am for certian it will not be healthy. I tend to turn to some sort of "fast food" not that all things are not healthy. For example Subway is one of those. Latly I have been making better choices such as grilled chicken and spinach pizza and salad when I can get it. So if you can try and find those couple meals that when your tired or just worn out you can make easily. I like grilled chicken salad or omlets. I tend to find my self traped once I start taking the easy road for my meals. This has slowed my weightloss down at times and has even caused a small set back or two. So remeber easy, quick and convenient isn't always the best way to go. Keep in mind a harder choice maybe a better one for our weightloss goals. It is going to be my short term goal for the next 8 weeks.

Sharing those not so little things.

 Well for me sharing has not always been an easy thing to do. It has just been in the last year I have been comfortable about sharing a lot about my life. I tend to do most of it in a program called celebrate recovery. Sharing those accomplishments or even those setbacks can be helpful. It has helped me see I am not alone in my struggles. Whether it is weight loss or my addictive personalty. It has helped me be open with the abuse from my childhood, the physical the mental and the sexual abuse. It has helped me dig into who I am. Part of the process I have gone threw is that like of peeling an onion. As the layers have come off so has the pounds. Ii have found I am not alone in this world. Seeing that others share similar battles as I do it has given opportunities shed my layers. Shame, guilt, and some self esteem issues. I continue to stay active in this kind of program because it has made a huge difference in my life. These type of places can also be a great safe place to find that person to help spur you on along the way. Someone to give you an accountability in your walk with your weight loss our what ever journey you maybe on. Sharing is just another tool I use to motivate myself along with dealing with things that come up in my life. So no mater how little or how big it is share it with someone

Overcoming Setbacks

    I am sure we have all had some type of set backs. I know I have. It has even seemed liked I have gone around the set back block. At every corner seems like some way in my life. Not really but sometimes it just seemed like god had stacked the deck against me. In the past I have always dwell on these moments. Some of them have sent in to an eating binge, others just an emotional roller coaster. Compounded with an addictive personality has what has helped me get to the weight I have over the years. I now know I can only change some things but not all things in my life. It is finding out which ones I can change. I have had year to work on this. Which this I have learned at Celebrate Recovery. I use these set backs as a motivational tool as well as a learning experience to examine my life. So I want to leave you with this prayer.

The Serenity Prayer
	God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference. Living one day at a time; Enjoying one moment at a time; Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace; Taking, as He did, this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it; Trusting that He will make all things right if I surrender to His Will; That I may be reasonably happy in this life and supremely happy with Him Forever in the next. Amen. --Reinhold Niebuhr In loving memory of Fr Bertram Griffin -- 1932-2000 Requiescat in Pace
Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will direct your paths. Proverbs 3, 5-6

Knowing your body

 I am posting this picture so people who are beginning in their weight loss journey so people can have a basic knowledge of their body. Knowing what parts of your body you are working and how they work together is very important. So use this as a quick reference.

Family History

    Family History- How it effects who we are.

I can say this because I have spent the last year in a christian based 12 step program working on life issues. I use to think family history just meant medical problems you inherited from you parents. I now know you get a lot of things that are passed on threw the generations not just your physical ailments. OK! Let me explain myself.

   Grandparents- both sets of grandparents where not social people mostly stuck to their home 2 of them died of heart problems and diabetic.

  Fathers side of family has issues with diabetes and my mother has it as well.
  
  Siblings one is diabetic and other has heart problems.

  Family time was generally focused around food and any large gatherings where with immediate family and hardly in voled friends outside that family. Most of our immediate family has struggled with their weight. So if you add that and DNA factors into the mix along with having an addictive personality. I can see where I have fallen into a life where food has been a comforting thing for me hiding behind my weight and living a life of denial. A life of insanity, which I will explain in a later blog.

Role Models Setting the Example

    One of the reasons I keep going and working on myself is my kids. My son who is 11 and my daughter who is 7. I wanna be a strong man who leads his family in a godly manner. I would like my son to grow into a young man. I cant really remember one guy who was that strong influence on me in childhood. We went to the Union High school homecoming game lasting and they where talking during a time out how young men and women need strong role models. I don't think this not only important in sports but in every area of our lives. If I would of had someone to show me the little things in life I don't know where I would of ended up. I think setting a good example for those around you is a good start. Then reaching out to others in and around your community. What makes a role model well I think being a good hearted godly person who cares for god, others and themselves. Someone who teaches others right from wrong. Someone who sets the bar for those around you. Doing what is right even when it is a tuff thing to do. Well that is my outlook for role models. So when you are out try to be that for someone you know.